Are You Even Listening? Phones, Presence, and the Little Things That Matter

Are You Even Listening? Phones, Presence, and the Little Things That Matter

Let me paint a familiar picture. You’re talking to someone, maybe telling a story, venting after a rough day, or sharing something that really matters to you, and mid-sentence, they glance down at their phone. Not once. Not twice. Just enough times that you start to wonder, are they even listening to me? I won’t lie. That annoys me. It makes me feel like I’m talking to a wall, or worse, like I’m not important enough to hold their attention for just five minutes. And I know I’m not the only one.

We’ve all become so used to checking our phones that we sometimes don’t even realize we’re doing it. A ping, a buzz, a flash, and suddenly, the person in front of us fades into the background. But for the person on the other end of that conversation, it can sting more than we think. According to a study published in the journal Computers in Human Behavior, people who experience “phubbing,” the act of being snubbed by someone using their phone, report feeling less valued and more disconnected in their relationships. Let that sink in: a glance at your screen can literally make someone feel unimportant.

You might be thinking, “What’s the big deal? I was still listening.” And maybe that’s true, kind of. But human communication isn’t just about words. It’s about eye contact, body language, and presence. When someone looks at their phone while we’re talking, it breaks the rhythm of connection. It tells us, even unintentionally, “Something else is more interesting than you right now.” It’s not just an annoyance. It’s a quiet rejection.

Let’s not pretend we haven’t been on both sides of this. I’ve been the one annoyed, and I’ve also been the one sneakily checking my notifications during dinner or nodding through a conversation while mentally replying to a DM. We live in a hyper-connected world where our phones demand our attention. According to a 2023 report by Reviews.org, the average person checks their phone 144 times a day. That’s roughly once every 10 minutes if we’re awake for 16 hours. So yeah, this isn’t just about “them.” It’s about us too.

Here’s what I’ve learned (and am still learning):

• Be honest. If someone is distracted, it’s okay to gently say, “Hey, I really want to share this with you. Can we talk without the phones for a minute?” Most people don’t even realize they’re zoning out.
• Set the tone. When I put my own phone away during conversations, I notice people often follow my lead. Presence is contagious.
• Accept imperfection. We’re not robots. Sometimes we get distracted. Sometimes we are waiting for an important text. What matters is acknowledging it and coming back to the moment.

At the end of the day, it’s not about the phone. It’s about feeling seen. Heard. Respected. So yes, I do get annoyed when someone isn’t fully present with me because they’re looking at their phone. But more than annoyed, I feel disconnected. And I’m guessing you do too. We can’t control everyone else, but we can choose to be more present. And sometimes, the simple act of putting our phone down can be one of the most generous things we offer to someone else.

What about you? Have you ever felt brushed off by someone glued to their phone? Or did you catch yourself doing it? Let’s talk in the comments (preferably, with phones down).